Toys! From outer space!

Contra Costa Times

HOLLYWOOD is so busy traipsing off to collective rehab, it still can't come up with any new ideas. Now that it's run out of old TV shows to rip off for movies, it's moved to the next sublevel of creative hell: movies based on toys.

"Transformers" is a perfect example. It's based on the '80s toys that could be turned from one exciting vehicle-robot-thingie into another exciting vehicle-robot-thingie. And while I'd always thought they came from Japan, apparently they come from outer space.

Since Hollywood is now about cultivating film ideas from the toys the guys now running the studios played with as children, I've got some ideas that might help. If we turn enough of these into legitimate summer blockbusters, we can stave off the need for original thought for at least another decade. How about:

'Magic 8 Ball: The Movie': This is really quite simple. As with most of the toys on the list, we'll make it a living, breathing thing that comes from outer space. Outer space is always a good place to start, especially when you have no other explanation (thank you, "Highlander 2").
Basically it's a giant alien pool ball full of a grape-colored liquid offering to tell your fortune. If it's a good fortune, your wish will be granted. If it's a bad fortune, the Alien Magic 8 Ball says, in a robotic Austrian accent, "Outlook not so good." Then it rolls forward, crushing you to pulp. Then it eats you. That's why it came to Earth -- it ran out of people to eat on its own

planet. The lesson here: Be careful what you wish for.
By the way, you can go ahead and assume that all my toy-film ideas will involve outer space and/or the eating of human beings. It's really best to keep these summer toy movies simple.

'Hungry Hungry Hippos': No, really. They're big, loose and famished. And not for silly little plastic balls. These big boys crave human flesh. Earth hippos only kill humans; they don't eat them. But, like everything else on this list, they're from outer space. So they eat you.

'Rubik's Cube': A giant superbad, multicolored cube comes to Earth, bent on destruction. The catch? It chooses one human being of its choice an hour to solve its random puzzle pattern, or else it's curtains for the rest of us. Stephen Hawking will star, as himself, sitting on the sidelines ready to go. Laughing maniacally despite not having a mouth (we'll work out details post-production), the cube from planet Rubik selects Britney Spears. Needless to say, no one survives to make a sequel.

'Shogun Warriors': Didn't they already make this movie? Well, they should. Transformers are cool and all, but Shogun Warriors have swords and missiles that shoot from their fingertips. Not electricity, or even bullets but missiles! The only downside is that they lumped a fist-shooting Godzilla among them. A shooting fist? That never made sense to me. Wouldn't that fist cause more havoc attached to Godzilla, crushing trains and throwing tanks?
Anyway, the Shogun Warriors come down from outer space or Japan and launch an all-out attack against Earth. I'm not sure why. Oh, yeah: They want to eat us. Then they can conquer the Transformers, turn them into hybrid cars and drive around until the world runs out of oil. Then they eat them.

'Stretch Armstrong From Outer Space': He originally came to this planet with his rugged, butt-kicking partner G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu Grip, to help us fight the evil, blood-sucking vampire smurfs who are using their cuteness and tiny little voices to lure us in before making the kill. Only Joe gets kicked out of the Army (someone asked, he told) and goes on a rampage. The finale features Stretch making a difficult decision.

'Slinky of Death': Then again, there's not much of a story in a villain that can kill only on stairwells.

'Evel Knievel Saves the Earth': Our hero is a tough-talking curmudgeon who comes with a revved-up, hand-cranked turbocharged platform for his motorcycle. He jumps shark tanks and threatens reporters. He's charged with saving us from the My Little Bloodthirsty Ponies From Outer Space. The winner gets to fight Strawberry Shortcake and her band of merry looters in a post-apocalyptic New York City.

'Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Little Barber Shop of Horrors': I can't even describe how horrific this movie would be. It would make "Saw" look like "The Little Mermaid." Let's just say when the Play-Doh aliens meet up with the Savage Silly Putties, there's not much hope for the human race. Or the film industry, once they put me in charge.