The end is here!

By LARRY WILLIAMS

THE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS will cease publication this month. It will be missed, being the only newspaper that covers Sasquatch, space aliens, ghosts, Elvis sightings and Bat Boy, among other vitally important things.

You might remember the WWN for breaking the story about space aliens in the U.S. Senate. Chris Dodd was one of them, the paper said. Holy cow! What if he gets elected president? Well, it won't be that big a deal, because space aliens have been advising our presidents for years.

Who can forget the revelation that the CIA was keeping Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden prisoners in the same cell, and that they'd fallen in love? You didn't see that anywhere else.

Not to mention: "Hell is on the planet Venus, says Bible expert!" That seems like something everyone would want to know.

True, the WWN didn't get much respect in the journalism world. But the "Men in Black" knew better. In the 1997 movie, when Agent K is showing rookie Agent J the ropes, one of the first tips is that the Weekly World News is must reading for any alien hunter.

Selecting the best

In the 1990s, I was a reporter on an investigative-projects desk staffed by people with a deep and abiding appreciation for the WWN. So we bought a subscription, thus ensuring we'd have some laughs every week, no matter what else was going on.

We took to taping the best WWN covers on the walls, and one of my favorites was "Farmer Says: ELVIS IS HAUNTING MY COWS!" Next to it was a story about Elvis' being seen alive somewhere, making me wonder: Don't these guys ever check the old clips? Both stories can't be true.

I could imagine the reporter writing the cows story going to his editor. "Boss, I got some bad news. We've carried about 50 stories recently saying Elvis is alive. So he can't very well be haunting cows then, can he?"

The boss's response: "Maybe he JUST died. Didja ever think of that?"

One of our favorite WWN moments, though, was the day it published in the back pages, next to the psychic ads, a tiny story saying that in the next month, time would start to go backward. I don't remember what the cover story was, but how could time going backward not lead the paper?

Upon hearing the news about the News this week, one of my colleagues on that desk said, "It's a sad day for pretend journalism."

"Pretend journalism?" Well, yes. Everyone knew that, right?

We thought it was self-evident, but lately the WWN had started publishing a notice on Page 2 admitting that it made up most of the stories. It was in tiny print, though, so I doubt it was read by anyone who could benefit from it.

Another innovation has been the publication of corrections. One recent gaffe was in a story about the discovery of the actual Valley of the Jolly Green Giant, where it turned out more than one giant resided. The correction said the paper got the giants' height slightly wrong.

Exclusives

Like every newspaper, the WWN has been covering the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. As usual, it has had some exclusives, such as "VAMPIRES ATTACK U.S. TROOPS: Army of undead taking over mountains of Afghanistan!" and "SATAN CAPTURED BY GIs IN IRAQ!"

Where will we get stories like these after the WWN is gone?

Well, according to publisher American Media Inc.'s announcement, the Web site www.weeklyworldnews.com will continue to operate after the final print issue Aug. 27 -- but who knows for how long? The WWN's circulation might have been down, but at least people paid for it. Nobody pays for the Web site, and American Media has been losing money by the barrel.

Speaking of the Web, for a selection of great WWN headlines, go to chiprowe.com/articles/ weekly-long.html. There are hundreds more at citynewsstand.com/TopTen.htm. (If you can't open that page -- I couldn't -- Google it, and open the cached version.)