Take us to your leader, Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson

Reach Tony Hicks

UFOS are all the rage in Texas these days, to the point where scientists give viewing tips and witnesses offer bounties for spaceship good pictures.

While it all may be the result of too much livestock gas in the atmosphere down there, it is an intriguing story. Alan Boyle, a science writer for MSN.com, says there are better ways to document one's close encounter than just telling people you saw one. This guy's a scientist, after all, so we better take him seriously when he suggests that, when stumbling across a flying saucer, a person should "take a picture."

Now that's an excellent idea. I never would have never thought of that. Which is probably why I'm not a well-paid scientific consultant for a giant media conglomerate.

Boyle's next suggestion required conferring with another well-paid scientific consultant for a giant media conglomerate. NBC News space analyst James Oberg, who admits he's not a true believer, nevertheless offered up his own advice: Take a reading.

Yep, memorize or measure where you saw the flying saucer. Compare it to the size of a fingertip or a fist. Come back with a compass and remember where you were when you saw the thing.

So I should remember where I was when I saw it. Again, more great stuff I wouldn't have thought of.

I'm no scientist — I did once accurately predict from which direction the sun would come up — but I'd like to add to the brilliant, yet abbreviated, list of what you should do during a UFO sighting.

-Yell and shake your fist at the UFO. Get its attention. It may come closer for a better look at the raging idiot Earthling. With any luck, it won't vaporize you with its death ray.

-Talk to the UFO. Ask it where it came from. Of course, this sounds like it won't work, but how many people have actually tried? Maybe these aliens are lonely. Offer them the first season of "How I Met Your Mother" on DVD. With any luck, they won't vaporize you with their death ray.

-Be prepared. Be sure to always carry one of those giant dish-communicators with which Jodie Foster called the aliens in "Contact." If one won't fit in your trunk, install a trailer hitch on your Nissan Sentra and tow the thing behind you at all times. With any luck, the aliens won't mistake all the equipment for weaponry and vaporize you with their death ray.

If that doesn't seem practical, the least you could do is try and have a telescope with you at all times. I once thought I saw a UFO and was quickly able to disseminate the craft's true nature. It was only a balloon. But not knowing would've haunted me the rest of my life had I not whipped that telescope out of my tux during my wedding ceremony. In retrospect, I might've been better off had someone vaporized me with their death ray.

-Have a cow handy. Everybody knows aliens love cows. They might be wiling to talk to you, or even show you the inside of their spaceship if you present them a cow. I'm not sure what they do with cows, but it can't be any worse than what we do with them. And, let's face it, the yumminess of cows transcends space and time.

-Dress like a space person as much as possible. Maybe try a Yoda costume. Aliens may see you as a kindred spirit and attempt contact. Of course, they also may be at war with another alien race whose members all look a lot like Yoda. In that case, they'll probably vaporize you with their death ray.

-Shoot at it. You never know if aliens are friendly or not. So just to be sure, you should probably try shooting down their craft. Those things are made with super alien metal-rubber-steel. So the bigger the gun the better. With any luck, you'll happen to have an anti-aircraft cannon lying about. With any luck, you'll hit it before they vaporize you with their death ray.

Oh, I almost forgot. By reading this column you, the reader, agree not to hold the newspaper or the writer responsible if you happen to get vaporized with an alien death ray. Have a nice search.