Sloshed in space

The Spoof

Cape Canaveral, Florida - (Ass Mess): NASA is to bring in the space equivalent of DUI laws after becoming the laughing stock of the international space program with its astronauts admitting to flying under the influence.

From next week all pilots will wear mandatory Paris Hilton-style alcohol bracelets which will be wired up to their space suits and monitored 24/7 from NASA HQ in Florida.

Also banned will be the experimental hydroponics lab on board the International Space Station where the effects of zero gravity were being tested on the cultivation of new super strains of high grade cannabis destined for eventual use at the Jet Revulsion Laboratory.

"Outer space is the only place the US government is legally permitted to grow the stuff," a NASA source said today, "so this new ruling will come as a blow."

The cultivation ban will also extend to coca plant production which began last year when the ISS extension was erected under a cloak of secrecy to protect sensitive issues surrounding cocaine production in outer space.

NASA sources said today that they had been conducting top secret psychological testing to measure astronauts' functioning under a variety of toxic condition with the added state of weightlessness.

These progams will now be closed and the ISS itself hosed down ahead of an official FBI inspection to determine if any laws have been borken on the outer space facility.

Lisa Nowak is 39.