Set that other Doomsday clock to five years to midnight

Chris Kocher

"My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare --

I had to cram so many things to store everything in there.

And all the fat-skinny people, and all the tall-short people

And all the nobody people, and all the somebody people.

I never thought I'd need so many people."

-- David Bowie, "Five Years"

Working the late shift isn't exactly a glory job. It forces you to sleep odd hours, messes with your social life, and -- as recent scientific studies suggest -- leads to various ailments such as heart disease and very pale skin.

Still, being awake after 1 a.m. does have one distinct advantage: "Coast to Coast AM," a call-in show that I affectionately call "Conspiracy Nutjob Radio." This shadow world for night owls and insomniacs (airing locally on WNBF-AM) offers all manner of bizarre theories posited by "experts" and average folk alike.

Nothing seems to be off-limits on "Coast to Coast": Bigfoot sightings, alien encounters, ghostly manifestations, travels on the astral plane, chem trails (sinister substances dropped from the air to keep Americans docile), the CIA's secret role in the 9/11 attacks, the Philadelphia Experiment, inventor Nikola Tesla's secret anti-gravity machines, and on and on. It's like the best of the late, lamented Weekly World News brought to life, with ardent supporters and equally passionate detractors each trying to make their case. Often, it's clear that both sides are just plain loony.

One theory in particular has weighed on my mind lately, though -- especially today of all days. In case you haven't heard it, you may want to put down that cup of coffee or spoonful of cereal and brace yourself.

Because today, you see, is exactly five years until the end of the world.

I told you you'd be shocked.

The apocalyptic prophesy goes something like this: Back in the day before Europeans arrived in the Americas, the Mayan civilization flourished on what is now Mexico's Yucatan Peninsula from about 250 to 800 A.D., and their descendants still live in the region today. This much we should have learned in our history classes in high school.

The Mayans had a rather advanced civilization for their time, with notable contributions in art, architecture, science and literacy. Like other Central American peoples of the era, they also practiced a good deal of human sacrifice -- barbarous by today's standards, but something they thought essential to the smooth running of the universe.

Of special interest, though, is the Mayans' elaborate calendar system, which was more accurate than the European equivalent at the time. I don't claim to understand it all, but it's based on the idea of wheels within wheels, with smaller inner "gears" making full revolutions before turning the larger outer "gears." In this way, Mayans could pinpoint any date in their history with uncanny precision.

Now here's the unnerving thing: That calendar, which has charted dates for millennia, ends abruptly on Dec. 21, 2012. It could be that the Mayans just meant to fill in that bit later, but conspiracies abhor a vacuum -- and few of the suggested outcomes are very good.

Some say that the Mayans knew a comet or meteor will strike Earth and cause mass extinction. Others claim it'll be the day of our first contact with extraterrestrials, foretold to the Mayans by ancient visitors from outer space. Maybe the aliens will want to be our new pals, maybe not.

Perhaps the North and South Poles will swap in 2012, which would play havoc with electronics and our atmosphere's protection from dangerous solar radiation. It might be that humanity is wiped out by a crippling gamma-ray burst from deep space. Or, our fate could include a good old-fashioned nuclear war. A few Bible-thumpers wonder if it's a harbinger of the Book of Revelation, complete with the Beast rising up from the pit -- although how the "pagan" Mayans would know about all that is anyone's guess.

Of course, those are just the doomsayers. The more optimistic ones see hope for a new era of peace and understanding -- a sort of "Age of Aquarius" that'll arrive when most of the ex-hippies are in their 60s. Maybe the ghosts of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison will return to play the ultimate 21st century Woodstock. There's always a chance, too, that an androgynous Ziggy Stardust-like messiah -- complete with a shiny metallic suit and heavy eye makeup -- will arrive to save us from ourselves, only to be consumed by the pressures of fame ...

All right, enough.

Yeah, I'm 99.999 percent sure that all of this is pure bunk. As with the Y2K scare, we'll all wake up on Dec. 22, 2012, and put on our pants one leg at a time, same as usual. Even though some days it seems we're barreling headlong toward oblivion, humans have thought that since history began.

And yet, should we really be nearing The End, I keep wondering if -- like David Bowie in the song "Five Years" -- I need to start cramming as many memories into my tiny brain as possible. Even the smallest of life's pleasures are precious when they might vanish in a puff of smoke.

Somebody set the alarm for doomsday -- and let's hope it has a snooze button.