Prepare
your stick shift for the urinal driving test
By
Andreas Ohrt
Oct
04 2007
A
weekly roundup of newsbites from the ‘Truth is Stranger than Fiction’
department.
HOW
TO BUILD A BOOB: One of Britain’s top plastic surgeons claims to have created
a template for the perfect boob job. After carefully studying the breasts of thousands
of top celebrities, Dr. Patrick Mallucci came to the conclusion that the perfect
boob has an upper half that is just a bit smaller than the lower half, and has
a nipple that points slightly skywards. “The ideal is a 45 to 55 per cent
proportion — that is, the nipple sits not at the halfway mark down the breast,
but at least 45 per cent from the top,” claims the doctor. In judging the
breasts of some of Britain’s top celebrities, he concluded that model Caprice
Bourret has the nicest set, and handed the ultimate insult to Victoria Beckham
(Posh Spice) for having “unnaturally round” globes. Mallucci presented
his findings in a research paper titled “Concept Design for Breast Augmentation,”
which he says is all about “wanting to create something as close to perfection
as possible.” (Daily Mail)
2
2 2
TITILLATING
PHONE CALLS: ...But there may be a better way to expand your cup size without
going under the knife. A Japanese guru who became famous for helping members of
a notorious doomsday cult return to normal life is now trying to cash in on his
fame with a bizarre invention: a ringtone that he claims will help a women’s
breasts grow bigger. Hideto Tomabechi claims that the ringtone he has invented
contains subliminal sounds that “make the brain and body move unconsciously.”
He calls the ringtones “positive brainwashing,” and he is currently
working on other sounds which will help people to quit smoking, combat baldness,
and find a lover. At least one person expressed satisfactory results with the
strange invention. “I listened to the tune for a week, expecting all the
time that I was being duped,” one woman told a Japanese newspaper. “But,
incredibly, my 34-inch bust grew to 35 inches. It was awesome.” (The Register
U.K.)
2
2 2
...BECAUSE
THE REGULAR NEWS ISN’T DEPRESSING ENOUGH: Since it’s still 2007, I can’t
figure out how Project Censored has managed to release its list of “The Top
25 Censored News Stories of 2008,” but it has. (Maybe the media has covered
up the fact that it’s already 2009?) Anyway, for the news masochists among
you, go directly to ProjectCensored.org and get the grim details on some of these
headlines: Bush Moves Toward Martial Law; U.S. Military Control of Africa’s
Resources; Frenzy of Increasingly Destructive Trade Agreements; Vulture Funds
Threaten Poor Nations’ Debt Relief; Immigrant Roundups to Gain Cheap Labor
for U.S. Corporate Giants; Impunity for U.S. War Criminals; Drinking Water Contaminated
by Military and Corporations.
2
2 2
HELLHOLES
ON EARTH: The next time you’re about to complain about garbage in the streets,
just be grateful you don’t live in one of the World’s Top 10 Worst Polluted
Places, as tabulated by an environmental watchdog group called the Blacksmith
Institute. Stay away from these dumps: Sumgayit, Azerbaijan; Linfen, China; Tianying,
China; Sukinda, India; Vapi, India; La Oroya, Peru; Dzerzhinsk, Russia; Norilsk,
Russia; Chernobyl, Ukraine; and Kabwe, Zambia. More information about the causes
of the filth, plus some ugly photos, can be found at BlacksmithInstitute.org.
2
2 2
YEAH...
Fans of film-director siblings the Coen brothers should immediately head over
to CuriousTimes.com for the extremely short version of Fargo (or go to YouTube
and search for “Fargo Yeah”). Nothing more can be said about it without
ruining the fun...
2
2 2
YOU’RE
SO VAIN, YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS WAR IS ABOUT YOU: The next time someone makes
fun of your ugly haircut or your stupid sideburns, borrow a line from Hitler,
who was once advised to shave his silly-looking moustache by the Nazi press secretary
Dr. Sedgwick. To this, Hitler responded: “Do not worry about my mustache.
If it is not the fashion now, it will be later because I wear it!” Or maybe
not. (Neatorama.com)
2
2 2
OKTOBERFESTS:
We return now to the Any Excuse to Party files with this collection of October
holidays which you probably don’t yet celebrate. According to internet lore,
Oct. 2 is Name Your Car Day, Oct. 9 is Moldy Cheese Day, Oct. 12 is International
Moment of Frustration Scream Day, and, of course, Oct. 25 is Punk For a Day Day.
Cheers!
2
2 2
DON’T
PEE AND DRIVE: A German company has created a piss-controlled driving game that
is hooked up to men’s urinals in pubs and bars. The purpose of the game is
to remind drunks that it’s probably a bad idea to drive home. The game begins
as soon as you begin to pee, and then you steer the car by relieving yourself
in the direction of where you want the car to go. “Obviously, the more drunk
you are, the slower your response, reinforcing the effects of alcohol to the gamer,”
states the website. “The game ultimately culminates in a shocking crash sequence,
leaving the viewer with little doubt as to the repercussions of driving while
drunk.” (Piss-Screen.de)
2
2 2
GET
YOURSELF FIXED: A professor of bio-medical engineering at the Indian Institute
of Technology, in Delhi, may have invented the next biggest thing in birth control.
The Reversible Inhibition of Sperm Under Guidance (RISUG) is, he claims, the perfect
contraceptive for men: applying a simple injection into a region of a man’s
anatomy where he wouldn’t usually let himself be injected can render him
harmless for about 10 years. In very simplified terms, the RISUG works by rupturing
sperm cells before they can make their journey toward the egg. So far, the RISUG
treatment has been tested, without any problems on 250 volunteers, and if clinical
testing continues to be positive, it will be on the Indian market by next year.
(Alternet.org)
2
2 2
I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE
FACT OF THE WEEK: Sixty people a year are seriously injured while putting on their
socks.
2
2 2
DON’T
LEAVE EARTH WITHOUT IT: If you’re worried about being abducted by aliens
and not getting anything more for your troubles than a sore ass, this might be
for you. Alien Abduction Insurance is now available at Ufo2001.com, which will
pay you for your troubles if the little grey bastards get you. As with all insurance
policies, there’s a catch: in order to get paid out you’ll need the
signature of an “Authorized Onboard Alien”.
2
2 2
DON’T
LEAVE EARTH WITHOUT IT, PART II: And if you’ve already got your Alien Abduction
Insurance and you’ve still got money to waste, you might want to consider
hitting EarthBoundDog.com where they’re selling the “Alien Abduction
Dog Tag,” which contains “the crucial data an alien will need to get
you back to Earth”.
