Does Bigfoot live among us?

By WILLY ZIMMER
Star-Tribune staff writer

"Reports of Bigfoot on the Fort Apache Indian Reservation in eastern Arizona have drawn a controversial hunter of the legendary creature.

C. Thomas Biscardi, of Menlo Park, Calif., visited the reservation over the weekend for the second time this year to interview witnesses and organize a search."

According to the AP, Bigfoot misbehaved in Arizona by chasing police officers, throwing rocks at passersby and peeking in windows. The story goes on to say C. Thomas and his searchers set out with "infrared and thermal-imaging devices, a Taser, a tranquilizer gun and a net-shooting cannon."

Now there's the hunt of a lifetime. When it comes to a wildlife tale, none is bigger than Bigfoot, a.k.a. Sasquatch. The myth of giant hairy creature roaming the woods is as persistent in our culture as stories about UFOs, and has a dedicated cadre of believers complete with "evidence" ranging from casts of huge footprints to bags of Bigfoot dung.

Some believe Bigfoot is a descendant of a prehistoric ape known as Gigantopithecus. Others suggest it is an experiment left behind by an alien culture, which if nothing else is a convenient morphing of two folklores.

A story in the Star-Tribune's archives reports Christopher L. Murphy claimed in his 2004 book "Meet the Sasquatch" there have been over 2,500 reported sightings in the last century. The Bigfoot Field Researcher's Organization's "informed estimates" claim there are 2,000-6,000 of these big rascals wandering the wildlands of North America.

But guess what? The Arizona searchers found nothing, but did give me a reason to ponder: Is it because the creature had headed home to Wyoming?

Many Bigfoot sightings are reported in the Pacific Northwest, which isn't all that far away. And as the AP story suggests, the big guy likes to wander elsewhere. In fact, this biped likes to roam so much, I suspect he's like the philandering salesman you read about on the tabloid front pages -- he has a lady and a batch of little 'Feet in every national forest. No surprise there. You know what they say about big feet.

But that brings me back to the question: Is there a Wyoming Bigfoot? If there are 2,000 or so Bigfeet wandering the continent, probability demands the answer be yes. A fair percentage of North America's wildlands are in Wyoming. This is prime country if a 9-foot tall biped is going to live undetected for centuries.

That thought got my hunting blood boiling, so I began looking for sign. Thinking back to past hunts, I've personally heard blood-curdling screams -- the AP's description of the creature's calls -- on an otherwise quiet night in the mountains. I wrote them off at the time to the couple camped on the other side of the clearing. Now I must reconsider.

I've also been in a Wyoming tavern or two where some of the patrons were big, hairy, smelly, and spoke little. It makes sense an entire humanoid species could secretly exist only if they sometimes wore our clothing as camouflage and hung around inattentive drunks. It also occurred to me Bigfeet may be Clinton Democrats. Probability also demands at least one exists somewhere in Wyoming, but I'm darned if I can see him or her.

Then there's KTWO radio jock, Brian Scott. I've known Brian a long time. He seems a perfectly human companion in social situations. If you've ever listened to his show, "B.S. in the Morning," you'd swear he's a master of the language.

But anyone who's ever heard Brian announce a Wyoming Cavalry game can testify he sometimes reverts to blood-curdling screams when things go bad for the Cavs. Not only that, he's a big guy who once sported a rock star's mane and he admits to spending a lot of time in the woods. If my walks-among-us theory is correct, his big hair days may be the Bigfoot gene at work, and not a Rogaine experiment gone awry as previously rumored. His so-called "hunting trips" may be rock-throwing jaunts to Arizona.

Suddenly I suspect Bigfeet behind every tree and microphone. The million-dollar question, however, is if I'm right and old B.F. is proven to live in Wyoming, or work at KTWO, what are we to do?

I suggest we demand those empowered by Tuesday's election make a Bigfoot action plan their highest priority. A previously undiscovered critter is likely to immediately put the Endangered Species Act into warp drive. The rediscovery of black-footed ferrets will, by comparison, seem as remarkable as finding a nest of rats. The eastern liberals will certainly try to evict relatively hairless humanoids to protect the habitat, so we'd better have a border fence or machine gun nests, or something, to keep them out.

And assuming we win the fight, we'd better figure out how to manage Bigfoot and his brood. Should Game and Fish capture them all to establish a breeding population? Or is this a species that warrants a dual classification? It's possible those half-eaten sheep around Yellowstone might not be the fault of grizzlies and wolves, after all.

I also propose using some of the budget surplus to pay for an all-out search and settle the question once and for all. C. Thomas is sitting around Menlo Park with a net shooting cannon that's gathering rust. Put him to work, for crying out loud.

And while we're at it, hire someone to keep an eye on Brian Scott. Have you ever seen the size of that guy's feet?