Different hoax for different folks

By Dennis Volkert
Sturgis Journal
Published: Sunday, November 5, 2006 3:20 PM CST

Bigfoot is alive and well. Can't dispute that. Can't prove it, either.

Steeped in folklore and hoaxified footprint samples, the Bigfoot phenomenon will not die.

Recent documentaries probing the existence of the upright-walking ape-like thing have devolved into a hissy-fit spat between cryptozoologists and skeptics.

Definitions are in order.

Crypotozoology: the study of animals that are rumored to exist, but for which conclusive proof is still missing.

Skeptic: Ruins everybody's fun.

I happen to be a skeptozoologist. I believe there are thousands of undiscovered species - including Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman and Barney Rubble - but they were all abducted by aliens, dropped into the Bermuda Triangle and currently live beneath the lost city of Atlantis.

The most compelling alleged evidence for the existence of Bigfoot is a film shot in California by Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin in 1967.

The grainy footage taken with a hand-held camera shows a creature that looks not quite ape, not quite human, walking upright near the woods. The creature turns its head toward the camera, then wanders away.

For cryptozoologists, it is the Holy Grail of Bigfoot sightings. Skeptics say it's just some guy in an ape costume filmed by a bad cameraman.

Skeptozoologists have an alternate theory: Bigfoot has been trying to find us.

Researchers have obtained a taped conversation from two Bigfeet discussing our purported existence. Here is part of it, translated into human English.

"Ever seen a human?" one says.

"I haven't," the other says. "But there are eyewitness accounts. The most compelling one came in 1967. One of our fellas was walking to the grocery store one day when he turned and saw what he thought was a human holding a film camera. The human's arm seemed to be shaking a lot, he said. Our comrade figured it was a hoax, and turned away and kept walking, because the store was closing in 10 minutes and he was out of pterodactyl meat."

Seriously, only humans could have such a conversation. It's what makes us unique. Not the talking; the fact we can overanalyze almost anything. You don't hear lions arguing about the existence of catlike species that walk upright and chases bipedal mice.

The Bigfootology debate brings up a larger question. Why are we so gung-ho to uncover these supposedly non-existent animals? Can't someone go into the wilderness with a bullhorn and shout, "All unsubstantiated beings come out with their fins up!"

Maybe we're just bored. Earlier this week, scientists revealed that elephants are the only animals other than humans, chimps and dolphins that can recognize their own reflections. I'm more curious how they got a massive pachyderm to grasp a handheld mirror in its mitts.

Meanwhile, we're left to ponder the imponderable. Does Bigfoot exist? If so, does it dress up as a human for Halloween? Does a bear ... well, you know the rest.